And once again more time has passed that I had thought since I posted here. It seems to be a rule of blogging, at least for those of us who do it on a casual basis. It's almost not even noteworthy to mention anymore, and yet I always feel constrained to do so. The time has certainly not passed without me thinking of Mom.
All the time since she has died has been tough, so it seems foolish to point out that I'm having a very, very rough times of things now. Perhaps that should be still? On a mundane note, I was laid-off from my job. I actually do not find being laid off to be terribly upsetting. I don't know if it is because I am numb to it, or because there are much more important things to be dealt with that it's a minor issue. I am trying to take this as an opportunity to switch directions with regard to work, and since I am (luckily!) safe from financial worries for a while, I'm trying to be optimistic long term. Of course, the only reason I have this financial security is thanks to Mom. She's been gone almost three months and she's still saving my butt. This begs the question of what I am going to do by myself?
The holidays are coming up. Since we've just gotten past Halloween, we're about to plunge into the holiday frenzy. I can always remember seeing the de rigueur holiday stories about people coping with loss during the holidays, and feeling both sorry for the people as well as uncomfortable. It was the people who were alone that really struck me; now I'm one of them. Not completely, no, and please don't think I'm taking my family or friends for granted. I don't think I would have made it to this point without them. But since my closest friend in-town is preparing to move to Arizona thanks to her husband's military reassignment, my day to day life is about to be really void of people who I can count on just to give me a hug. I truly have no idea how I'm going to make it through the holidays. It's been hard enough so far - I'd much rather run away than have to face Christmas now.
I do have some ideas on how to get out more and maybe some of them will even work. I'm just not the most outgoing person by far, and I make friends more than I make acquaintances, which takes time. I worry about the meantime.
I feel like I owe my mother to be doing better than I am and not to squander the potential opportunities I now have. I just hope she's not too disappointed in me. Right now, I'm stuck somewhere between wanting to jump up and whip everything into shape so I can get ready for whatever my life will hold and actually being able to take enough first steps. I haven't felt well, I'm not sleeping well, the list of things I need to do is overwhelming. When I do rally, it's enough to take care of immediate needs but not much else. And to top it all off, I seem to be whining now. I know .. just keep trying. Maybe that will even work one day.
Oh ... for the record, I got a copy of the original edition of Richard Scarry's Best Rainy Day Book Ever in the mail today. Some pages are missing and a few are colored on, but by and large, it's a very good copy for its age. It felt so familiar when I opened it, it was a little odd. I'm glad to have it, though.
I miss Mom so very, very much and it hurts more than I can say. But I'll keep going, however badly.
