While I know I've never managed to post with the frequency with which I would have optimally preferred (as most bloggers fail to do), I will say that I have been deliberately avoiding posting for a while.
For the most part, it's due to the grief therapy I started in January with a new counselor. While the first gentleman I saw was pleasant and has a good reputation, we simply didn't mesh well. His technique apparently did not suit my personality well and I only went to see him twice, relatively soon after Mom died. Luckily, the new counselor seems to be a much better fit.
And so. I've had a lot to digest and process, both mentally and emotionally. This has taken some precedence, of course, along with trying to get the more practical aspects of my life back on a regular keel.
In addition, while I still feel like blogging as I was can have a lot of value, my counselor has pointed out something once or twice that has resonated with me. First, I should say that her focus is not necessarily on exhaustively analyzing every feeling of grief, guilt, and loss that I've been having, but more on how to enable me to learn to live with it and to the extent possible, move past it. And too, she's treating me as a whole person, and not just for the one event that triggered the need to see her.
At any rate, she was, in my case, rather scornful of certain scenarios that can occur with blogging about something like my situation. She pointed out that (these are roughly her words, by the way) if you take a bucket of shit, stir it up, analyze it, and organize it, it's still a bucket of shit. Wallowing around in negative feelings isn't going to change them, nor will dwelling on them allow for much progress. I originally saw my posting here as a way to vent the negative feelings and perhaps move past that way. I don't regret having done it, and I do think it had some value. Nonetheless, I can also see her perspective and it does feel correct for this point in time.
It's been over six months now since Mom died. In some ways, that's unfathomable to me. It also feels more like six years. I still miss her, so very much, but I know I always will and I wouldn't want anything else. Anguish and shock have softened to grief which is itself gentling some towards sorrow. There are still things that hit me each day that make me wish she was still here as she had been (for she'll always be with me), but with each pang of missing her I can stop a little and remember all the good things we shared.
I do plan to continue blogging soon, or perhaps it's more correct to say restart blogging soon, with more of a focus on remembering the incredible lady who was my mother as well as hopefully chronicling good changes as I move forward with my own life. The latter is in line with the byline of the blog, anyway. I do enjoy the writing process and having a positive focus should be beneficial. Also, I'll get to think about Mom in ways that make me smile. I'd like that.
Love you, Mom.
