First post

My mother passed away eleven days ago, having had a heart attack in her sleep.  She was sixty-four years old.  I am her daughter.   And so, for the purposes of this blog, at least for now, I will go by Margie's daughter.

Mom and I were both single - she actually raised me as a single parent for most of my childhood, and we lived in the same place.  We saw each other every day and shared our lives.  As a result,  I lost not only my mother but one of my best friends in the same moment.  I know it won't come as a surprise that it should be so, but I cannot tell you how painful this is.  I know that ultimately, having been able to share as much with Mom as I did will make even this pain worthwhile, but it's hard to see that right now.  However, pain of loss is one of the prices of love, and so I will pay it.

Last night, we held her Celebration of Life and as it was ending, it hit me that when we left there, when I no longer had to worry about getting everything planned, and when I didn't have the immediate need to do certain things to focus upon, she would truly, finally, irrevocably be gone.  Not in spirit, because I do feel that Mom is still with me, but gone in that I will never get to see her again, I will never get to hug her again, and I will never get to spend time with her again.

This blog is meant to be a way for me to remember and pay tribute to my mom, and perhaps as a way for me to heal.  I do intend to refine the generic format, add pictures, and otherwise make it special, but for now, I just wanted to start.  I cannot believe that it's already been a week and a half.  Some memories I haven't been able to dredge up yet, thanks to stress and grief, yet I still want to get details of those last days down while fresh. Whatever the impetus, it was time to begin, however tentatively. 

Why people, myself very much included, choose to do this in a public format is in some ways beyond me, although if that becomes a problem, I can always change it.  I think, however, that part of it may have something to do with the fact that sharing things with others somehow validates the effort in a way that simply writing in a journal doesn't.  I'm sure Google would give me hits galore with research on this, but right now I really don't care. 

This is my journey of how to learn to live my life after my mother's death, and it has begun.