Feeling lost after loss

I traveled to my uncle's this weekend and it was good to be around family.  It felt very weird to be there without my mom, though.  College football started this weekend as well, and I'm a big fan of my alma mater's  team.   Watching their first game without Mom was just another in the increasingly long string of jarring notes that my life has become.  She had given in to the lure of football finally, and had been enjoying watching the games with me these last few years.  I'm grateful to have those memories, and in time they will make me smile, but right now it's yet another thing I miss.

My grief is settling in now, from a sharp, keening note to a low, steady pulse that fills my waking world.  I cannot count how many times each day it hits me that my mother is gone and I'm by myself  We won't share dinners anymore, or the weekly shopping trips.  If I need someone to bring me medicine when I'm sick, she won't be there.  I won't get to tease her anymore when I have to help her with the DVD, the DVR, or her computer.  Since I don't have a spouse or children to help me through this, I find myself very alone and intensely aware of the fact.

I had planned to get the house in order for the first time since Mom died.  The refrigerator is full of food that needs to be thrown out now.  The ice dispenser in the door didn't close properly over the weekend, causing the ice inside the bin to melt and coat everything in the lower two-thirds of my freezer in more ice, so I need to thaw all of that.  There's laundry to be done, dishes to be washed, and a whole host of other mundane household tasks that I need to see to.  I thought I would start to tackle it today, but I barely made a dent in it.  It seems that I can manage things to the extent of taking care of my immediate needs, but no more.  I don't know how to move through this empty world I'm in now. 

I know Mom would want more for me, and I want to make her proud of me.  I want to be worthy of all the legacies she left me, but I don't know how to start.  It's still a situation that can only be managed day by day.  I find myself casting around for plans on how to do things, but no matter what thought I first have, it always leads to the fact that my mom is gone.  And there I stop.