A long road

Two weeks.  I still can't quite wrap my mind around the fact that my mother is gone, even though it seems like there's a reminder in front of me every time I turn my head.  Her love is still with me, along with many memories, and I'm trying so hard to firmly establish them in my heart for the rest of my life.  I miss her voice, I miss her hugs, and I miss her company. 

My world is completely awry, and I don't know how to set it straight.  Some times, I don't even know if I want to set it straight, because nothing seems to matter.  There's an emptiness past the sadness of grief that is somehow even worse.  

Did she know how much I loved her?  Was there something I could have done better that would have allowed her to still be here?  What did I do wrong?  I try not to torment myself, but sometimes when I'm faced with this senseless, gaping void in my life, there doesn't seem to be a limit to the questions that can be asked in hopes that something might somehow make sense.  

I look at the little tag line for this blog and it strikes me that it's improbably optimistic.  Maybe in some number of weeks, or months it won't; with some passage of time perhaps it will seem obtainable.  Right now I'm reeling and the only goal is to make it from day to day.

I miss you, Mom, and I love you.